Stranger Danger

December 15, 2011  by Raúl Colón

As kids we where taught not to talk to strangers on the street. I think treating everyone online, as a stranger might be a good and healthy thing. Yes overtime I have made some great friends online but something I have learned over time is that we need to limit what we share with online contacts.

For kids it is different and I would say that young kids should not use the Internet to talk to any strangers. I guess with so many options online like social networks and platforms that can easily connect one person with the other, the best thing to do is to teach your kids that online communications are to be kept in between family members until you understand that they are mature enough to communicate with others.

I see many kids with Facebook accounts not meeting the age requirement and the worst part is many of those kids are lightly monitored or not monitored at all. The reason Facebook has implemented an age restriction is to protect children. Some adults don’t understand the impact online communications can have in real life and how complex it can be for a kid.

I did not have an online connection and computer till I bought one at the age of 18. I would use email at a friend’s house but other than that I did not have a way to connect daily and be online. I think my childhood was just fine without the Internet and a computer. For that reason, I don’t understand how parents decide that children should have access to platforms like Facebook before an appropriate age and even worst they don’t monitor them.

In the case that you decide to allow your children to use the Internet for educational or other purposes, I think it is critical that you lay down the ground rules when it comes to interacting with strangers.

Even more importantly if a stranger contacts them online they should communicate this to a family member as quick as possible so it can be addressed.

If your kids don’t talk with strangers on the street they need to take this approach inorder to make it safer for them online.

What rules have you implemented in your family when connecting online?

Who do you allow your children, nephews, or any other young family members to chat with online?

Multiple school districts in Suffolk County have sent notices home with students, warning them to be on high alert after a suspicious man was caught on school grounds claiming he was there to pick up child, but district officials say the child doesn’t exist.

School administrators in the East Islip and Hauppauge School districts have reported that staff members spotted an unknown African-American man wandering on the grounds, while school is in session. In both districts, the man was stopped by school security and he identified himself as “Abraham Lincoln”, claiming he was there to pick up his daughter, Reanna Belongi.

In a letter to parents, Hauppauge schools superintendent Patricia Sullivan-Kriss said that there is no student by that name enrolled in Hauppauge schools. When the man was told his “daughter” didn’t attend Hauppauge schools, he was seen leaving the school driving a light colored, four-door sedan, according to school officials.

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Location: Hauppauge Middle School

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East Islip school officials told the same story to cops, saying Abraham Lincoln was on their school grounds as well and immediately fled when told his daughter didn’t attend school there.

Both school districts immediately notified Suffolk County police of the situation, and officers will increase patrols at dismissal times and in the neighborhood around the schools.

Commack school administrators have posted an alert on their website. They say the district was contacted after reports were filed at the other districts, and no student named Reanna Belongi is enrolled in Commack either.

Parents in the Comsewogue School District also reported seeing a suspicious man near school grounds earlier in the week. They turned to social media accounts to alert fellow parents that a man driving a white van in the vicinity of the Boyle Road Elementary School in Port Jefferson Station was attempting to lure children into a van, claiming he lost his dog. It was not immediately clear if police were notified of the situation.

Police have asked anyone who sees someone performing similar suspicious behaviors to immediately call 911.

How many children are reported missing each year?

The U.S. Department of Justice reports

• Nearly 800,000 children younger than 18 are missing each year, or an average of 2,185 children reported missing each day.
• More than 200,000 children were were abducted by family members.
• More than 58,000 children were abducted by nonfamily members.
• 115 children were the victims of “stereotypical” kidnapping. These crimes involve someone the child does not know or a slight acquaintance who holds the child overnight, transports the child 50 miles or more, kills the child, demands ransom, or intends to keep the child permanently.

[Andrea J. Sedlak, David Finkelhor, Heather Hammer, and Dana J. Schultz. U.S. Department of Justice. "National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview" in National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children. Washington, DC: Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice, October 2002, page 5.]

For more information, see:

• NISMART-2, October 2002. National Estimates of Missing Children: An Overview
• NISMART-2, October 2002. Nonfamily Abducted Children: National Estimates and Characteristics
• NISMART-2, October 2002. Children Abducted by Family Members: National Estimates and Characteristics
• NISMART-2, October 2002. Runaway/Thrownaway Children: National Estimates and Characteristics
• NISMART-2, October 2002. NISMART Questions and Answers

The U.S. Department of Justice’s Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention funds ongoing research about missing children through the National Incidence Studies of Missing, Abducted, Runaway, and Thrownaway Children (NISMART). These researchers published their latest data in 2002, NISMART-2. The researchers will be collecting new data over the next year to use in an update to this study, NISMART-3. To discuss the previous research, please contact Andrea Sedlak at 301-251-4211, SEDLAKA1@WESTAT.com.

How many cases of missing children has the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC) helped resolve?

Since 1984, NCMEC has assisted law-enforcement with more than 187,800 missing-child cases, resulting in the recovery of more than 175,200 children.

How many calls does the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children’s hotline (1-800-THE-LOST^®) handle?

In the last quarter of 2012, the Hotline handled an average of 580 service-related calls per day. Since its 1984 inception, the toll-free Hotline has handled more than 3.5 million calls.

How many children have been recovered through AMBER ALERTS?

Since 1997 through March 2012, the AMBER Alert program has been credited with the safe recovery of 572 children. To date there is a network of 120 AMBER Plans across the country.
Where can I find statistics about missing and/or exploited children in a particular state?

State-specific statistics are available through state clearinghouses. Click here for a list and contact information.

How many children are victims of online sexual exploitation?

According to key online victimization research an estimated

• Four percent (4%) of 10 to 17 year olds received an aggressive sexual solicitation—a solicitor who asked to meet them somewhere; called them on the telephone; or sent them offline mail, money, or gifts.
• Thirty-four percent (34%) had an unwanted exposure to sexual material —pictures of naked people or people having sex.
• Twenty-seven percent (27%) of the youth who encountered unwanted sexual material told a parent or guardian. If the encounter was defined as distressing—episodes that made them feel very or extremely upset or afraid —forty-two percent (42%) told a parent or guardian.

Download the report Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later.

[Per Janis Wolak, Kimberly J. Mitchell, and David Finkelhor. Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, 2006, respectively page 8 and 33.]
How pervasive is the problem of child sexual exploitation?

A study about child sexual victimization indicated that as many as 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 10 boys could be sexually victimized before adulthood.

[Per D. Finkelhor. “Current Information on the Scope and Nature of Child Sexual Abuse.” The Future of Children: Sexual Abuse of Children, 1994, volume 4, page 37.]
How many reports of child exploitation have been made to CyberTipline?

CyberTipline has received more than 1.3 million reports since it was established in March 1998.

Reports to CyberTipline involve the possession, manufacture and distribution of child pornography, the online enticement of children for sex acts, child prostitution, child sex-tourism, child molestation (not in the family), unsolicited obscene material sent to a child, and misleading domain names.
How many victims of child exploitation have been identified through the Child Victim Identification (CVIP) Program?

Through September 2011, CVIP has information on more than 3,800 child victims from around the world seen in sexually abusive images.

Through September 2011, CVIP Analysts reviewed seized child pornography collections from more than 29,000 investigations across the country, through the Child Recognition and Identification System (CRIS).

The Federal Bureau of Investigation and Carnegie Mellon University have announced a national competition in which students will share their knowledge about avoiding dangers associated with Internet use by creating computer animations.

The Alice Project was begun by the late Randy Pausch, a Carnegie Mellon alumnus and professor of computer science who gained international fame three years ago when he delivered a speech that became an Internet sensation and the basis of the best-selling book, The Last Lecture.

Alice is a free teaching tool that allows novices to use a simple drag-and-drop interface to create 3D computer animations.

The FBI, in partnership with Carnegie Mellon University’s School of Computer Science, is expanding their ongoing Safe Online Surfing program (SOS) to include a national competition in which middle and high school students will create 45-second animations using Alice.

The need to educate young people about hazards associated with Internet use has never been greater. Predators solicit one in seven children online, according to a recent study. More than half are asked to send photographs of themselves.

The Internet is a powerful resource for our youth, but it also presents opportunities for those who would attempt to do them harm,” said Gordon M. Snow, assistant director of the FBI Cyber Division. “The Safe Online Surfing program is designed to teach young people what they need to know to avoid falling victim to individuals who want to take advantage of their youth and innocence. Through this project, we hope to keep a generation of children safe online and tap into their creativity to promote their own protection.”

“I’m so pleased with the success that the FBI-SOS program has experienced over the last five years,” said Daryl Hulce, SOS Program administrator at Nova Southeastern University. “It started out as just an idea but has grown into a fun and engaging program that has provided children with the information necessary to confidently make safer decisions online.  By partnering with Carnegie Mellon University’s School of Computer Science, we will have the ability to reach more children and families with our message.”

“We are honored to collaborate with the FBI on the SOS project,” said Wanda Dunn, associate teaching professor at Carnegie Mellon and director of the Alice Project. “The Internet offers great resources for learning and communication and we want to help children learn to use these resources safely.”

She explained, “In this collaboration, teachers and students will work together to learn safe surfing techniques. By using our Alice software to create 3-D animations, students can then use their imaginations and creativity to spread this message even further and perhaps even more effectively.”

Carnegie Mellon is a leading center for research on cybersecurity and Internet privacy and has developed innovative programs for educating young people about online safety.

The university’s Information Networking Institute operates educational outreach programs such as MySecureCyberspace, a portal that helps the public understand the dangers of web surfing and offers an encyclopedia of terms, key articles and tools to combat cyberbullying, identity theft and online predators.

The outreach also includes a cyber game designed for fourth through sixth graders that teaches Internet safety and computer security.

By Dr. Phil

As scary as it may be, parents need to talk to their kids about people who might want to hurt them. The best way to protect your children is to get them involved in their own protection. Dr. Phil offers this advice:

9 Ways to Prepare Your Children for Dangerous Situations

As a parent, our primary fear is for the safety of our children. In recent times, we’ve had to become more aware of safety than ever before. Our parents and grandparents had the honour of living in times where they didn’t have to lock the door – in today’s world; we can’t even turn our backs.

We all worry about how to protect our children. We worry about whether we are being over protective and whether we are creating a ‘cotton wool child’. On the other hand, we can’t afford to be too complacent.

What Constitutes a Stranger?

To a child, a stranger is rarely considered to be an elderly man wandering down the street, or the man searching for his lost puppy. To many children, a stranger is a man who wears dark glasses, is unshaven, wears dirty clothes, has exposed tattoos and scars. It is vital when educating your child about strangers that we bust these myths.

When explaining the concept of strangers to your child you need to be specific i.e. someone Mummy hasn’t introduced you to. It would also be favourable to show your child pictures of people from differing age groups to demonstrate that anybody can be classed as a stranger. Combine this of photos of familiar people, making sure to point out that this person is not a stranger. For example “Tommy, this photo is of Grandpa – he is not a stranger. This is the newspaper man – he is a stranger.”

It is also highly important to give your child examples of where they would find a stranger i.e. in an alley way, on the internet, playgrounds, parks or even your own yard.

There are also many games on the internet that can aide your child’s education on the issue.

What Not to Do

When explaining the concept of Stranger Danger to your child, try to refrain from teaching your child that only strangers bring harm to them. As frightening as the idea is, family members, relatives or family friends can also abuse or harm a child. It is therefore vitally important to not teach your child that only a stranger will hurt or abuse them – that this can happen from other people too. This concept often confuses children who are abused by family members, as they feel this is acceptable behaviour. This is also known as Protective Behaviours.

Teaching Your Child What To Do

Educating your child on spotting strangers is only the first part. You must devise a plan with your child on what they need to do if your child is approached by a stranger. The following steps are a good guide;

• Teach your child not to talk to them
• Run to parent or guardian. Alternatively to safe person i.e. a Police Officer
• If they are grabbed, teach them to kick, punch, yell or bite until freed.
• Make sure your child memorises their own name, address and phone number. Also teach your child how to dial emergency services.

Prevention

As in any case, prevention is the best cure – this can be achieved by a following a number of simple rules.

• Never allow your child to wander off alone.
• Don’t allow your child to leave home without permission.
• Teach them to not talk to strangers.
• When you go out, if you become separated, organise a specific location for you to meet.
• Teach your child to never answer the phone or door if you are not home.
• Make your child understand that they should never let a stranger into their home.

The Code Word

One of the best methods to protect your child is to use a private code word. This word can be any word significant to the people you know. Teach your child that this word will be given to them if someone other than their regular guardian needs to pick them up from school/care. For example, the word may be the name of a dog or favourite toy. Teach your child that if anyone tries to pick them up or take them away, that they must mention this particular word – then they know it is safe and that Mummy or Daddy know about this. This method prevents strangers from being able to trick your child into leaving with them.

Let’s start with the basics–at what age do we start teaching children to be aware of strangers? And how do we tell them?
People are always curious to know when to start talking to their children about certain things, in this case, about strangers. You as a parent know your own child’s development, and so if you feel like your child will understand “the stranger talk” then by all means start now. I believe, being in my line of work, that it is never too early to discuss anything that could potentially bring harm to your kids! Moms and dads can both begin the discussion, by telling the child that anyone which you haven’t met before, who hasn’t been introduced through mom or dad other than your teachers, should be considered to be a stranger. The true meaning is “someone that you are not familiar with” but in kid’s terms it is hard to explain it that way. Children should know that if they don’t recognize the person than they are a “stranger” to them, and if that person tells them, “hey, you know who I am” means nothing if they know that they have never seen this person before. . .

One person asked, “I am interested in what we can do as parents to teach our kids about safety.  I know a lot of it is obvious–its just so hard trying to find the time to fit in this with learning ABCs and all the other stuff we cram in to a day.” What advice can you give for this?
Safety discussions should be had all through the day, there is some kind of lesson in everything that you do. For instance, if you are driving in the car with your child, and you see a child alone on the street, you should say to your child, “I never want you to walk alone, someone might stop their car, who is a STRANGER and ask if you want a ride.” Busy? Yes, we moms are busy, but here is the deal, even when on our last legs, we need to DISCUSS! If you can’t squeeze in the time, go get some videos. No, you are not a bad mom for putting them in front of the TV for this. There are some great videos available that deal specifically with stranger/danger. (Click here to see Amazon’s selection.) I would list them all but there are too many, except that John Walsh from “America’s Most Wanted” has one called Stranger Safety. (To purchase from Amazon for $9.49, click here.) Google  “Stranger Safety Videos.” It is all there for you–don’t be afraid to enlist outside help!

It seems as if, in a parent’s mind, we are worried about “strangers” snatching our kids, but yet we make our children say hello to someone who says hi, say, in the grocery store. This must be confusing to children, how do we deal with this?
This is a great question, because just the other day, I was in the store and heard my mother say to my daughter “now throw him a kiss.” Well I blew a gasket! Why? Because we don’t want them in the habit of doing that with strangers. We do send mix messages. I think there was a time when we did not have to be so nervous about snatching, but now we do. You can encourage your kids to say hi to people that they know. If your kid doesn’t say hi back to the person in the grocery store, then I guess your child will be deemed the grocery “snob.” Do you really care? Your kids will realize as they get older who they can talk to but for now, I think you need to discuss why they should not be so friendly. You need to tell them that some people think that if you say hi to them it means you want to be with them. Tell your kids that not everyone is friendly for the “right reasons.” I believe you have to be honest, if someone says hi to your child, and your child gives a quick wave, well so be it. You do not have to encourage them at this stage to have “nice manners” and “say hello to the nice man”, because bottom line, he may not be that nice. Cut it off at the pass, you say hello for your child.

This goes a bit with the question above. . . how should we make our kids feel safe without them fearing every stranger?
Like everything else, you have to let them know that “not everyone is bad” but there are some people who like to take advantage of kids because of just that, they are kids. Kids should know that there are bad people and good people, but with strangers, since “we don’t know them” we are unable to tell if they are bad or good, so that they always have to be cautious.

What do we tell our kids to do if a stranger approaches them? For example, to not take candy from a stranger or to not help him find his dog (which is how a child Chelsea and I went to elementary school with was kidnapped, and then later found)?
Again, I know it might sound harsh, but you must WARN your kids, that sometimes strangers will try to do anything to get a kid to come to them. If by chance someone who is a stranger asks them for help (finding a puppy) you must tell your child that because we don’t know if that person is telling the truth, they must run away or say “I cannot help you, I don’t know you.” Who cares at this point if your kid has bad manners? It is bad manners versus a missing child–you will take bad manners any day of the week. These are discussions that you need to get into; that if a stranger asks them for anything, they are to say “no” and find the nearest familiar person or scream out “I don’t know you!” so that others may hear. And remember, the child should never be alone in the first place!

One thing I’ve always done is dress my children in bright, easy to spot colors when in heavily populated places, such as Disneyland. Any other tips you have?
Here is the biggest DON’T–do not boldly put your child’s name on anything. It was so popular at one time to put your kids name on the back of a shirt, or on a book bag. That is candy for an abductor. Why? The stranger can call out the name, which immediately gives rise to the child thinking “hey this person knows me.” It is a sure way to take the unfamiliarity of the stranger. Please, if you need to write a name, (so, for example, your child does not lose their book bag) write it on a small label–one that only your child and the teacher can see. Do not advertise any personal information that a stranger might use to his advantage.

Please make sure that your kids always surround themselves with others. There used to be a time when parents could rest comfortably with with their kids playing out front, or leaving them in the electronics part of a store while they went on and shopped. Those days are long gone. You need to tell your child that he should always have a buddy or buddies. They tell us that we should always swim with a buddy, well now it should pertain to all walks of life. There was a case where a child was abducted once he got off of the school bus. He was walking with his friend, and although he was abducted, thanks to the information that the friend was able to give about the car, the color, etc., the abductor was found. The buddy system is a must in today’s society. In large crowds, put your child in something unique, not as far a a costume, but something that could red flag them quickly!

If (heaven forbid) our child was abducted, what should we do?
Certainly if your child is missing, do not delay in trying to find them yourself, but you must also immediately call 911 to get people out on the streets, so that perimeters can be set up for getting this individual. Any and all help from the surrounding community is a must, and now with Amber Alerts we are able to notify those on the highways at a quick rate.

Community support is key, because there is always someone who has certain resources at their fingertips that you or maybe even law enforcement, would not have access to.

Anything I’ve missed that you’d like to add?
Awareness is key, and steering away from a difficult subject matter is the easy way out, but you will find that if you incorporate a learning lesson in your everyday life, it will not be so hard. Kids will listen, especially if you start out early. It is like everything else, they tell you (who ever “they” are) that throwing your kid into the water as an infant will teach them to swim, if you put them around dogs as babies they won’t be scared, etc. So why not teach them lessons that could protect them early on? It is usually the parent that is more fearful than the child. Sometimes kids need to have some fear in them to learn about the real world (these are just my thoughts, as cases like this are brought into my office).

I have faith that all of you teach safety sometime during your day or night, and do not even realize it! Again do not be afraid to use outside sources, videos are there for the taking, just Google “stranger safety”, you will see  there is a plethora of things for you to choose from.

Make sure that your kids do know: your phone number, address, mom’s work, dad’s work, a close relative or friend, and especially, 911. These numbers could be life saving.

Also, some parents have “passwords” with their kids, and with close family members and friends. This word is used because someone might say, “hey your mom asked me to pick you up”. The child should then ask what is “the password” and if the person doesn’t know, or says something different, they know the person is a phony and they should not go with them. Just another thought as to how to remain safe.

What are the most important things parents should tell children about safety?

1. Always check first with a parent, guardian, or trusted adult before going anywhere, accepting anything, or getting into a car with anyone.
2. Do not go out alone. Always take a friend with when going places or playing outside.
3. Say no if someone tries to touch you, or treats you in a way that makes you feel sad, scared, or confused. Get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
4. Tell a parent, guardian, or trusted adult if you feel sad, scared, or confused.
5. There will always be someone to help you, and you have the right to be safe.

[Safety tips adapted from Know the Rules...Abduction and Harm Prevention Tips for Parents and Guardians. Copyright© 2000 and 2011 National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). All rights reserved.]

What should a parent know when talking to a child about safety?

1. Don’t forget your older children. Children aged 11 to17 are equally at risk to victimization. At the same time you are giving your older children more freedom, make sure they understand important safety rules as well.
2. Speak to your children in a manner that is calm and reassuring. Children do not need to be frightened to get the point across. In fact, fear can thwart the safety message, because fear can be paralyzing to a child.
3. Speak openly. Children will be less likely to come to you about issues enshrouded in secrecy. If they feel that you are comfortable discussing the subject at hand, they may be more forthcoming.
4. Do not teach “stranger danger.” Children do not have the same understanding of “strangers” as adults; the concept is difficult for them to grasp. And, based on what we know about those who harm children, people known to children and/or their families actually present greater danger to children than do “strangers.”
5. Practice what you preach. You may think your children understand your message, but until they can incorporate it into their daily lives, it may not be clearly understood. Find opportunities to practice “what if” scenarios.
6. Teach your children that safety is more important than manners. In other words, it is more important for children to get themselves out of a dangerous situation than it is to be polite. They also need to know that it is okay to tell you what happened, and they won’t be tattletales.

[Safety tips adapted from Know the Rules...Abduction and Harm Prevention Tips for Parents and Guardians. Copyright© 2000 and 2011 National Center for Missing & Exploited Children (NCMEC). All rights reserved.]

Is “stranger danger”—that dangers to kids come from people they do not know—really a myth?

Yes. In the majority of cases the perpetrator is someone the parents or child knows, and that person may be in a position of trust or responsibility to the child and family.

We have learned children do not have the same understanding of who a stranger is as an adult might, therefore, it is a difficult concept for the child to grasp. It is much more beneficial to children to help them build the confidence and self-esteem they need to stay as safe as possible in any potentially dangerous situation they encounter rather than teaching them to be “on the look out” for a particular type of person.

For decades, parents, guardians and teachers have told children to “stay away from strangers” in an effort to keep them safe. In response to the ongoing debate about the effectiveness of this advice, NCMEC has created many resources to help better safeguard children.

For more information on child safety, please visit the Publications section of this website. Pay particular attention to Child Safety Is More Than A Slogan.

What other advice can you offer parents about talking to kids?

Parents should choose opportunities or “teachable” moments to reinforce safety skills. If an incident occurs in your community and your child asks you about it, speak frankly but with reassurance. Explain to your children that you want to discuss the safety rules with them, so that they will know what to do if they are ever confronted with a potentially dangerous situation. Make sure you have “safety nets” in place, so that your children know there is always someone who can help them.

What child safety education resources does the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children provide?

The National Center for Missing & Exploited Children offers a wealth of resources to help educate parents, children, law enforcement, and the general public about child safety.

I heard about a tracking device for children on a commercial. Is there one that the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children recommends?

Consumers need to understand that the first line of defense for families is safety education and line-of-sight supervision of their children. If a device is to be used, understand what it can do and cannot do, that machines can fail, and that the tracking device should be, if they choose, an element within a complete safety program for their family.